I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
