I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
