I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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