are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
