at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
