I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
