I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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