There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
