Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
