i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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