I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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