I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
