my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
