If i come over, it means nothing
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
