Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
