Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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