Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize
