I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Dick very happy bro
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
