there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
