I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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