frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
