Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I think I sprained my soul last night
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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