the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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