My Higher Power is John Stamos
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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