Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
