dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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