today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
