i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
