i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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