PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
