My hand turned me down
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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