Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
