I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
