Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
