I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
