I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
