So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
