Already got asked if we're dating
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
