My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
