Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
