I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
