My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
we should paint friendship bongs
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