I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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