i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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