No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
