New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
