Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
