Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
