Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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