they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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