Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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