i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
