Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
