I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
