I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
