you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
